White washed.

Theme Week 1: A Journal of Sorts

Well, Goldfine, seeing how I've been disgustingly confused on how to start off this course, trying to also balance that confusion with my daily events, I am just starting my journal now, and I think It should be a weekly thing anyway so, here goes.

One can never completely know themselves, a person is like a constant neverending story, a string that never stops pulling, road that never stops winding, well, until you die anyway. But what am I saying? I don't even believe in death!

I've learned a thing or two over the summer, one being that I love my family even though at times I feel like shooting them all, listening to their nonsense whining and constant bickering and unneccessary arguments... Not to mention my grandmothers constant attention-getting antics, they work only because we know she'll be even worse if we ignore them. I helped her take care of her dogs a lot this summer, they had cancer, and they died. Two big rotties, only lived to be 7 years old. It's a shame, really. I didn't have much of an attachment to her baby (Brandy), who was the female, but I did love Hendrix, the male. He was a junkyard dog for a little while before they took him in, and it took him up until his last days to decide that he didn't want to eat Josh for supper. I cried when he was put down, but really, the only thing I could do when I watched the life drain from his eyes, was smile. Is that sick? Disturbing? I just couldn't stop smiling. He died a happy dog. I smiled I guess, because I saw the pain melt from his face and when he went, he had such a big, happy grin, that said "don't worry, I'm ok, I love you", and off he went over the rainbow bridge to be with everyone else who has crossed over. I imagine at some point he'll start again in another puppy, but, I'll never know, but I have faith in it.

Sometimes I think it's better to be alone. I don't mean without Joshua, I mean without family. It seems so much more stressful, and for some, it's worth it, but for me, sometimes it's really now. My so-called aunt "in-law" called me a bitch for eating her pizza that was in the fridge for two days. (Ooookkay...). It doesn't really matter to me, she's an anorexic fuckhead anyway. She's absolutely retarded and makes me feel like a beached whale sometimes. I have no sympathy for anorexic people. NONE. they're psychotic in the worst way.

On other notes, Tiff (the mid-kid sis) is off to college and I don't have to worry too much about my things getting stolen by her anymore, I can actually keep things in my mom's house instead of padlocked in the safe at my grandmother's. Morganne (the littlest) is off to second grade. I'm so proud of her, she's so smart. She's in 3rd and 4th grade level reading and everything while her class is on sped and regular-level. She says she wants to be a scientist. She wants to make "salt jelly". She really likes salt. She puts massive quantities of it on everything. Well, at least until my mom snatches the shaker away and forbids herf rom any more. She hates limitations, but we don't want her with hypertension at age 10.

This week has been somewhat stressful. I am glad to be back in school, though. The very first day of classes I had a major headache, It hurts when your brain gets up and running again. I spent 500 BUCKS ON BOOKS! There should be a law against that. I think we shouldn't have to pay for them anyway, I think the government should. But the government would rather pay for 3000 unneeded laptops for every student in guilford to bust up and abuse. Stupid. I think they shouldn't have them unless they prove responsible. I had mine for 3 years and not ONCE did it break. The only thing that happened, was a little punk asshole stole my gharger (which the goddamn school held m diploma for until I could give them 60 dollars for the damn thing which I didn't even lose. I even had insurance on the thing so if that did happen, I wouldn't be held accountable. Stupid school.) Anyway... I have a ton of work this semester and next, I can feel it, A+P is already 2 chapters in and there's only been one class! Anne Merkel is a hard-ass, I love teachers that treat you like an adult. Hence the reason I'm acing college and just barely made it out of high-school. I've read up on the first two chapters and now I can point to all sorts of areas on my body and call them by their technical names. It's kind of neat. It will prove useful if I go to vet school.

I'm still not entirely sure on that. What really made me contradict myself, is the phenominal concert Joshua and I went to in Cape Cod on thursday. it reminded me really of how much I really love music, it's such a big part of my life, and, like Josh, it's the only thing that doesn't feel like work. Even the whole vet thing, I know I'll come home tired and bored and miserable everyday, no matter how comfortable I am when I'm working with animals. It's just not the same. I'm thinking about maybe going into the New England School of Communications to take the radio/ music technology course they have over there and work in radio stations and for famous people at concerts. I want to be the person who's behind the soundboard, making sure everything sounds awesome. Mybe once in a while actually on stage and playing the drums or singing. I just want to be out there. I love music. It makes me feel so alive.

So, now I'm back where I started, not knowing what to do with my life, when I thought I had it all figured out. There you go John, Kasey's back at square one.

posted by Kasey @ 7:56 PM